Day 14, 234 nails, a meditation

I was irritable this morning no doubt. We are living in my bedroom and the basement since my living room flooring project is on hiatus. The toddler duo are brimming with energy as mother nature turns her face toward spring. My energy teeters precariously between can’t pull myself out of bed to I’m going to jump out of my skin if I don’t get out of here and do something. I think 14 days, two whole weeks of recovered eating without a program to follow is quietly disturbing me. I mean, I know I could follow the 12 steps as I do for my alcoholism, but let’s be real. It never really worked for me. Perhaps it was my lack of willingness, but my gut says it’s more than that. Something about AA being a program of abstinence. How can you quantify abstinence when you have to eat? Is it a mind free of disordered thoughts? I’ll throw the towel in right now my friends. This brain is louder than an elementary school playground at recess and not nearly as delightful or amusing.

I’m in the mix right now. When I got sober, I went to detox in a mental hospital and straight to a 90 day residential treatment center from there. Nearly every waking moment was focused on recovery. When I finished treatment, I went to at least one meeting a day, often more; I had lost custody of my son, I had nothing else to do. I’ve often wondered if I could have stayed sober just going to meetings and no treatment. Would I have done the work soon enough?

Things are very different for me today, blessings of a sober life. I have a husband who works full time and runs a kennel. I am his business partner. I have two toddlers who are totally dependent on me and a 14 year old who lives 30 minutes from me and has an active high school schedule. I go to one AA meeting a week on Saturday when I can detach myself from the boys. I’m feeling all the uncomfortable feelings of being separated from my coping mechanism with no focused recovery plan. I am literally counting the minutes until my therapy appointment tomorrow.

We have a litter of pups on the ground as they say. Thirteen perfect little puppies survived out of 14. They are nearly 3 weeks old and momma is tiring of them needing her, pawing at her. I get frustrated with her. I have to keep convincing her to lie down and let them nurse. Today though, I understood. I took her out from the puppy room, and I snuggled each little warm, furry, squirming pup, and I trimmed their nails. Slowly, and methodically, ritualistically. I let the boys play in the barn, and I soothed and quieted puppies and trimmed 234 nails. It was a meditation on our connectedness and an exercise in empathy and self love.

Challenge for the Day:

Make a meditation out of an ordinary task or practice. Consider how this meditation can be an act of kindness for yourself and others.

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